I can't tell the difference between the good and the bad.
It is unfortunate when people you perceive to be genuine turn out to be fakes.
I don't know how to trust anymore.
I don't trust myself.
Why would I expect anyone including myself to be authentic in this artificial world?
I never want to see a tanning salon, a nail salon, a wal-mart, a happy meal ever again in my life. i never want to see a square again. I never want to see this lap top again.

I want to escape the unnatural, the brain washing, the traumatization that has desensitized myself and an entire nation. fuck this.

My feelings are permanently hurt. It doesn't even fucking matter anymore.

been lonely

but i've never been this lonely. I have no motivation. I feel sad and pathetic and writing it makes me feel even more so. Perhaps I need to write it...

Today, I picked up the USA Today paper and there is a huge article titled "Chavez's power play has echoes of Castro" and subtitled "Venezuelan vote on Sunday could lead to big headache for U.S."

For megalomania, for mendacious media...
America, America God shed his grace on thee.

Blah. Read this. http://www.alternet.org/story/16255/?page=1

I need to write two papers for this class that were already due. I skipped this class today and I have definitely missed too many times. The professor is absent minded though and I haven't learned a damn thing. That's not entirely true but I don't feel as if I have learned enough to account for an entire semester. I could actually say that about three of the four courses I am in this semester. College is so unnatural... a lot of things are unnatural. The sad thing is I am hardly passing these courses because...
I am unmotivated. Here is the part where I take full responsibility. It is not the dispassionate professors, or the bratty students... (harsh I don't really mean these things)... It is ALL my own damn fault. This is one great lesson I have learned this semester outside of Academia is about taking fucking responsibility for yourself, your opinions, your actions. We are all suffering from so much guilt because we are all so accusatory. Stop trying to vindicate yourself and just fucking OWN it. Does it matter if what you feel is "wrong" or "right"? It is just how you feel so own it.

I find comfort in the fact that my love for music will never change or cease. One week of classes, a few days of finals, three more semesters and a lifetime of learning. What is this place?

Squares

I could use a little break from my thoughts.
I'm being rocked to sleep. . . rocked to sleep.

No one believes the atrocities they see and nobody is free. Yes, indeed.
I am held hostage by these privileges. I will fund the military, I will fund the "war on terrorism", the "war on drugs" in exchange for unnecessary excesses which could not leave a person more unfulfilled. I will make mountains disappear as I type away on my laptop. I will make countries disappear as I fill up my car. I will make people disappear as I walk the infinite aisles of Wal Mart. I will make trees disappear as I eat this burger. I will not fund imagination, culture or a heterogeneous society.

I will make dispensable profits at the expense of someone else, of something else. I will only identify as a prisoner of consumerism.

I will wake up this will merely be a false prophesy.

I could use a little break from illogical hate. In this moment, love prevails.

a week left...

Annie is just moments away from joining her sisters in the city. I am so excited. It is guaranteed to be an eventful week. Look forward to lots of pictures of the trio.

Given the sticky August unbreathable heat upon us, I can honestly say that I am welcoming my final days in this concrete thermos. I wish I was getting paid for perspiring. I would certainly be a rich woman.

I trust everyone is doing well. I will be seeing many of you very soon I hope.

More NYC love:

Thank you NYC

I had the craziest cab experience last night at like 3 a.m. The driver was an old Haitian man and when we got in he said, "Where have you been? Do you know how long I have been waiting for you?"
Mind you- just before we got in the cab I was saying how much I hated taking cabs because their driving always makes me fear for my life.
So then he made us fill out lotto tickets.
Then I realized his meter wasn't on.
My sister asked where he was from and how long he had been here in which he replied Haiti and since the 60's. Then my sister asked him if he felt that New York was more his home than Haiti, and he said, "Yes because my gold digger lives here." So then he rambled on about his gold digger and her 35 lb breast which keep his head warm and how she doesn't give him diseases.

That's New York for you I guess.

mona lisas and mad hatters

This Broadway's got a lot of songs to sing.
If I knew the tunes I might join in.
I'll go my way alone.
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City.
- Elton John

I have loved that song since I was a kid but I never knew the real words.

It is mostly hot here in the city lately. I've taken advantage of a few free concerts in the park but the most enjoyable thing to do is go to the beach given the heat.

Emily and I went to a friend's place up in the Catskills this past weekend. It was wonderful. Trees, music, ponds, croquet, costume parties, good food, and beer of course.

I have been getting a lot of good reading done here. If anyone is looking for suggestions- Barbara Kingsolver is amazing.

Now I must make coffee for my master who is unfortunately still sleeping.
I leave you with some NYC love:

Little Girl in the Big Apple

I am now in New York City with my sister.
It feels really good knowing that we have so much time together. It seems like in the past few years, we really haven't gotten to see each other that often and only very briefly. It is also interesting to live together as "adults".
This place is alive and thriving with culture, music and art which makes it hard to resent all the concrete. I have found that all the people make up for the lack of landscape. On my sister's street there is a peach tree, an apricot tree, and a ton of basil growing right off the sidewalk. The beaches are just a short trip away and I am sure Em and I will take full advantage on her days off.
I think it is going to be a good summer.
I miss everyone and hope everything is well. Hopefully next time, I will have pictures and more interesting things to post. LOVE love LOVE.

unrelenting gratitude

Unfortunately, going into my third week, I really do not have much to talk about. I have spent countless hours staring blankly at my laptop screen or reading or sleeping or baking or cray-paing. I enjoy the learning and the work involved with baking bread. I guess I should have realized that I would be baking bread for retail though which tends to take the fun out of it for me. Farmer's Markets, bartering... those sort of things don't bother me so much. "what are you, some kind of communist?!" Phil would say in a funny raspy voice. And in my head I'm saying "well, actually... ." The locals are friendly but quiet and seemingly uninterested in taking advantage of all the amazing outdoorsy things to do around here which is one of the main things that compelled me to come here. Or perhaps they just forget to invite me along. I've been going on short bike rides alone but I am afraid of biking, hiking or swimming by myself (bears, moose, drowning, cars... can you blame me?) I know for sure that my momma wouldn't approve. Plus I simply don't enjoy being by myself. So for the most part, it has been a lonely ride so far.
One thing I certainly cannot complain about is the FOOD. Practically every day there is some kind of soup made- carrot ginger, mushroom barley, lentil, spicy black bean; lemon-ginger scones and all kinds of cookies. and obviously BREAD. I can feel myself becoming a bread snob. I will hardly be able to meet my own standards because a wood-burning brick oven is essential to making such fine artisan breads. I am also becoming a coffee snob- organic, fair trade, freshly roasted in the wood burning stove which means it retains a lot more of those handy antioxidants. I only allow myself to have caffeine on my days off or else it is really difficult to sleep around the chaotic bread baking schedule.
On Thursday, I will go to Manhattan to visit my dear old sister, Em and a good friend from school is meeting me. I already feel like it is going to be hard to come back here after four days in the big city in the company of familiar people.
I wish I could boast more about my experience here but being lonely truly is one of the worse feelings in the world. But as always I extend my unrelenting gratitude to god(s)/nature/super natural energy/fate or whatever you want to call it for this abundant fortunate life. I hope everyone is doing well and that each one of you is surrounded by people you love. For me at least, that is one of the true essences of life. Miss you all. Take care. and happy father's day of course.

Settling In

haha
foggy view of the lake from top of Coon Mountain
my house mate and i
salamander
first burn
wild orchid


Wow, I really cannot believe I am still awake right now. I have been going since 4 a.m. Today was the most eventful day so far I think. I worked four days in a roll. The shift is very intense to say the least but fun and interesting at the same time of course. Baking bread is almost a 24 hour job and very meticulous- scaling during the day (1-2 hours), mixing in the evening (2-3 hours), and baking in the morning (always starting at 4:30 a.m. 5-6 hours). Bread doesn't wait on people. You can take ineffective naps or try to squeeze in reading, biking, hiking, writing letters, etc in between these hours but I haven't quite gotten it down yet. Perhaps once I have adjusted better, I will be able to do these things with more ease. It is hard but I have to give up the coffee and espresso- My first morning with Phil, he had an iced espresso prepared for me and he sat and played his guitar while I cleaned the ash out of the wood burning brick oven. Today was my first semi-day off. We baked all morning but we are closed until Thursday so I won't have to be back in until Wednesday afternoon. Starting June 19th, we will only be closed one day a week!


Today, after baking all morning, my house mate and I went on a nice hike up Coon Mountain. We saw a few pretty snakes, an awesome orange salamander and some wild orchids (i think they were orchids). When I got back, a girl that works at the bakery asked if I wanted to go jump into Lake Champlain and I said heck yeah. It was about 40 degrees. Needless to say, we jumped in and jumped out. After that, my house mate and I cooked a very nice dinner (since we finally had time). Then with our bellies full and content, we walked to a friend's house to give them a loaf of olive bread because they had given us some of their delicious baby greens and spinach. Bartering is the best. Yesterday, I walked down the creek next to my house and I saw about 20 frogs at least. They were all comparatively small- because the last one I saw was one gigantic mother of a frog.

Well folks, that is enough for now seeing as how I can hardly hold my head up any longer. I promise to post more photos soon. I'm sending my love your all's way. Miss everyone. Good night and take care.

The Journey

I have finally met my new home for the summer- Wadhams! (yes the sign even has the exclamation point) NY. It is as beautiful here as I imagined. It is hard to peel your eyes from the scenery. Berea, KY was my home for the past 21 months and I became home sick before I even left. I am hoping that the people here are comparable to the ones I have come to know in Berea that are truly what made it home to me.

I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed (understated)- so much to learn, so many people and places to get to know, so much room to grow. I am also feeling exhausted from the trip which began at about 5 a.m. yesterday morning. My parents and I flew into Albany, met up with my sister, Emily, and spent the day in Saratoga Springs. Then we ended up in a not-so-fancy-actually-kind-of-disgusting Motel 8 in Albany for the night and at about 8 a.m., we made our way up to Westport.

Phil, my boss, seems really great. My parents really know how to bring out my awkward side so I have spent the day worrying about what this guy is thinking. I really do not know how to communicate with my parents seeing as how we disagree about everything that is important to me. But I can always remember the good things they have introduced to me throughout my life.
My dad- Mind over matter.
My mom- There is no such thing as coincidence.
Collectively- Unconditional love.
Because of these things, I am beginning to find and see more meaning and purpose in everything and I can begin feeling more fulfilled.

More photos can be found here.