been lonely

but i've never been this lonely. I have no motivation. I feel sad and pathetic and writing it makes me feel even more so. Perhaps I need to write it...

Today, I picked up the USA Today paper and there is a huge article titled "Chavez's power play has echoes of Castro" and subtitled "Venezuelan vote on Sunday could lead to big headache for U.S."

For megalomania, for mendacious media...
America, America God shed his grace on thee.

Blah. Read this. http://www.alternet.org/story/16255/?page=1

I need to write two papers for this class that were already due. I skipped this class today and I have definitely missed too many times. The professor is absent minded though and I haven't learned a damn thing. That's not entirely true but I don't feel as if I have learned enough to account for an entire semester. I could actually say that about three of the four courses I am in this semester. College is so unnatural... a lot of things are unnatural. The sad thing is I am hardly passing these courses because...
I am unmotivated. Here is the part where I take full responsibility. It is not the dispassionate professors, or the bratty students... (harsh I don't really mean these things)... It is ALL my own damn fault. This is one great lesson I have learned this semester outside of Academia is about taking fucking responsibility for yourself, your opinions, your actions. We are all suffering from so much guilt because we are all so accusatory. Stop trying to vindicate yourself and just fucking OWN it. Does it matter if what you feel is "wrong" or "right"? It is just how you feel so own it.

I find comfort in the fact that my love for music will never change or cease. One week of classes, a few days of finals, three more semesters and a lifetime of learning. What is this place?

Squares

I could use a little break from my thoughts.
I'm being rocked to sleep. . . rocked to sleep.

No one believes the atrocities they see and nobody is free. Yes, indeed.
I am held hostage by these privileges. I will fund the military, I will fund the "war on terrorism", the "war on drugs" in exchange for unnecessary excesses which could not leave a person more unfulfilled. I will make mountains disappear as I type away on my laptop. I will make countries disappear as I fill up my car. I will make people disappear as I walk the infinite aisles of Wal Mart. I will make trees disappear as I eat this burger. I will not fund imagination, culture or a heterogeneous society.

I will make dispensable profits at the expense of someone else, of something else. I will only identify as a prisoner of consumerism.

I will wake up this will merely be a false prophesy.

I could use a little break from illogical hate. In this moment, love prevails.